


Little did she know

by Scoby



Series: Reylo therapy [4]
Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Enemies to Lovers, Existential Crisis, F/M, Fanfic authors ship it, Fluff, I Ship It, Implied Sexual Content, Masturbation, Meta, Metaphysics, POV Rey (Star Wars), Rey Needs A Hug (Star Wars), Sex Toys, Sharing a Bed, THERE WAS ONLY ONE BED, Therapy, Wordcount: 5.000-10.000, and they lived happily ever after, slow burn of sorts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-21
Updated: 2020-11-27
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:41:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27548497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scoby/pseuds/Scoby
Summary: Rey goes to therapy and discovers that all her problems and strange patterns with men arise from her being a fictional character.-----“Just look at the names of your boyfriends. Do you see any pattern there?”Rey nodded. Of course she did. In fact, she had already tried to convince herself that relationships with men whose names resembled Ben in any way were most likely doomed and she definitely should stop falling for them.“And any similarities in how they look like?”“Well, I like when a man is clearly taller than me, and, like, really strong, so that I can just disappear in his arms when we cuddle, and I have some weakness for dark eyes and raven hair and large ears.”“To me that sounds like this: you have first been a character in something that has drawn a huge fan base, probably a blockbuster movie or something. Then, fanfic authors have started repeating your story in different forms, and that’s why you experience it as a pattern in your life. They use similar names and looks for each man because they base them on your canon.”
Relationships: Rey (Star Wars) & Author, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Series: Reylo therapy [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1791079
Comments: 4
Kudos: 22





	1. The Pattern

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I’m a _what?_ You mean I don’t exist?”

“Welcome, Rey, please have a seat.”

Rey sat in the firm, light beige armchair while Dr. Holdo browsed her notes.

“So, last time we already discussed quite a bit about your childhood. Could you now tell me some more about how your situation is now?”

Rey did not quite know where to start, but the expectant look in the blue eyes and the recollection of how much she would be paying for every minute encouraged her to start rambling.

“Well, I’ve just been feeling very lonely. I mean, I do have very nice friends, but I seem to never be able to keep anyone romantically in my life for long. I’d really like to establish something more stable with somebody. But I’m afraid I’ve fallen into some kind of pattern with men that I can’t escape.”

“Can you tell me more about this pattern?”

“Eh, it always starts so that I meet somebody with whom we first hate each other. But then something happens, like we get stranded in a hotel room with only one bed, and we have sex that is out of this world. And then I start believing that he’s the only person who really gets me and that this time I’ve found my soulmate. But just when I’m happiest, I push him away. And then I end up alone until I meet somebody else and it starts again.”

“How many times has this happened?”

Rey counted aloud, lifting a finger for each name: “Ben, Benson, Benedict, Bengt, Benoit, Benjamin, Benito.”

She finished with seven fingers up.

“And why do you think you do this?”

"I - I’m afraid.”

“Of what?”

Rey shuddered at the memory of Ben’s dead body in her arms.

“My first relationship… It ended when he…”

“What did he do?”

Tears crept up in Rey’s eyes. She opened her mouth but words refused to come out.

“Acknowledging it is the first step towards healing”, Dr. Holdo prompted.

Rey swallowed and swept a loose tear from her cheek.

“He died.”

She reached for a pack of tissues on a small wooden table, blotted her eyes and blew her nose before continuing.

“Whenever I get close with anyone new, I’m just so afraid it will happen again."

Dr. Holdo nodded with understanding eyes.

“And are you in a relationship at the moment?”

“No.”

“Then, let’s go back to the end of your last relationship. Tell me about that.”

Rey could easily remember the final day with Benito. It kept haunting her even without a therapist asking about it.

“Well, we were considering moving together. Se we went to have a look at furniture. Benito’s family had a very nice store with all the best Milanese design, and we could choose whatever we wanted. I was so happy I could have exploded, when we found an absolutely beautiful dark green sofa and he pulled me down into his lap on it and kissed me. But right then, I heard a voice in my head.”

“What did it say?”

“It said: ‘She was so happy she could have exploded’, which was true. But then it said: ‘Little did she know how profoundly this sofa would change her life.’ I got so frightened. And when I looked at him, I saw like a vision that if we buy this sofa, if I move in with him, this is where he’ll die. One day, he would lay on this sofa without breathing or heartbeat. So I shook myself out of his arms and said that I’m sorry but I can’t do this. And I ran out and home and cried all night and the next one without responding to his calls or messages or doorbell rings ever again.”

Dr. Holdo made a few notes and tapped her pen on the notebook corner a few times, eyes squinting a little as if she was deep in thought.

“Did you say the voice used the phrase ‘little did she know’?”

“Yes.”

She took a deep breath, laid her notebook aside on the table and leaned forward towards Rey.

“All these elements point to one thing. You have a very rare condition, Rey.”

“What is it?”

“This may come as a shock, but you are a fictional character.”

“I’m a _what?_ You mean I don’t exist?”

She instinctively touched her left arm with her right hand, suddenly wanting to check if her body still was there.

“It may not be what it sounds like. I mean, yes, technically you don’t exist, but there might still be people who love you. In fact, I suspect there are tons of people who do.”

“How do you know that?”

“Just look at the names of your boyfriends. Do you see any pattern there?”

Rey nodded. Of course she did. In fact, she had already tried to convince herself that relationships with men whose names resembled Ben in any way were most likely doomed and she definitely should stop falling for them.

“And any similarities in how they look like?”

“Well, I like when a man is clearly taller than me, and, like, really strong, so that I can just disappear in his arms when we cuddle, and I have some weakness for dark eyes and raven hair and large ears.”

“To me that sounds like this: you have first been a character in something that has drawn a huge fan base, probably a blockbuster movie or something. Then, fanfic authors have started repeating your story in different forms, and that’s why you experience it as a pattern in your life. They use similar names and looks for each man because they base them on your canon.”

Rey’s head was spinning. She had been expecting therapy to give her clarity, not an existential crisis.

“So, was it the authors who decided that my parents left me?”

“I’m afraid so. Typically, in this kind of cases, it goes so that the canon frames the character as an abandoned orphan, and then the fanfic authors keep adding to that. They have made you go from foster home to another, even though you did nothing wrong as a little kid.”

Tears of rage filled Rey’s eyes and her hands clenched into fists.

“You said there would be tons of those fans who would love me! Then why did they make me suffer like that?”

“Authors can be cruel. They typically want their heroine to suffer first so that the happy ending would feel sweeter.”

“Then when the fuck is the happy ending actually happening?”

“You have every right to be angry. Just feel it. Let it flush through you. You can scream into a pillow if you need to.”

She handed Rey a pillow from under her arm, and that was exactly what she needed. She buried her face in it and screamed at the top of her lungs. All her life, she had always thought there was something fundamentally wrong with her when she couldn’t get any family to stick with her. And all this time, it had all been orchestrated by some “fans” who supposedly “loved” her but still wanted to torture her for their own pleasure.

Her mixture of crying and screaming was interrupted by a violent knock behind the door.

“I’m not finished!” Rey shouted at the door.

Still, the door opened and a black-clad mans' figure filled the frame.

“My time has started”, he said, glaring at Rey’s swollen but fierce eyes.

“Ben, relax, I won’t start charging you before we begin our session”, Holdo tried to calm him down.

“I have places to be after this. Your time’s up.”

He walked in and towards Rey’s armchair.

Rey stood up, smashed the pillow on the chair, lifted her middle finger up at him and walked out without another word.

“See you next week, Rey! And thank you…” Holdo’s voice cut off when she slammed the door shut.

Still furious, Rey passed by the grocery store on her way home. The sun had already set when she arrived home with the heavy grocery bags, clothes wet with rain. Evenings like this made her miss the time when Bengt used to come to her place after work, greet her with an adoring kiss, cook something delicious and gather her under his arm to watch Game of Thrones on his laptop that he religiously operated with Linux.

Now she warmed up a frozen pizza and watched an episode by herself. But she watched it on a projector that filled a whole wall with the image. The projector had been a gift from Benjamin, just like her toaster, electric toothbrush and so many other appliances in her home. And he had not only drowned her in gifts, also really helped her get ahead in his consulting firm. After breaking up with Benjamin, continuing in the company had been the last thing on her mind, but the experience in her resume had opened doors to jobs that paid a lot better than her previous ones as a barista, a car mechanic and a bookstore cashier.

After brushing her teeth, washing her face, changing to a wretched nightshirt and curling up under her blanket, the loneliness hit the hardest, as usual. The apartment felt empty and quiet, and Rey found herself missing Benson softly strumming his guitar by the bedside and maybe singing something to her, or cuddling behind her to improvise a whispered poem in her ear while his strong, tattooed arms tenderly wrapped her in warmth and love.

Then his large hand would cover her whole head as he would stroke her hair. And he would follow the outline of her neck down over her chest and cup… Rey grabbed her breast in her own hand. It felt far from Benson’s touch, but it soothed the edge of the longing… until it made it worse.

She pushed her blanket aside and reached for her vibrator. After breaking up with Benedict, Rey had carved a large portion of her savings to invest on a toy that had it all: plenty of G spot stimulation patterns and a clitoral sucking function. The absence of almost daily suction of Benedict’s lips had been too much for her clit to bear. Benito had made her almost forget about the existence of the device, but after leaving him in the furniture store, she had adopted it into heavy use again.

First, she just brushed the tip against her folds, mimicking the way how Benjamin would always tease her before sliding slowly in and sweetly filling her. Once she found the right position for the toy, she turned on a mild vibration and imagined how Benoit would indulgently roll his hips against hers while filling her ear with a string of filthy words in his mixture of French and heavily French-accented English.

Rey ramped up the vibration and memorised every detail she could about the look on Benson’s face when he would thrust deeper and deeper into her at an intensifying pace, looking like he was drunk on her. And as a finishing move, she turned on the suction, imagining Bengt’s mouth going for it around her clit. His tongue would search her everywhere and then find just the right spot and… and then suddenly it wasn’t Bengt’s tongue anymore, but she did not care because she was so close…

She came with a desperate cry and turned off the vibrator. In the silence that followed the end of its steady humming, she wiped it in the sheets and stuffed it on her nightstand to wait for more thorough washing tomorrow. Once her breathing steadied, she cringed as self-consciousness hit her about whose face she had visualised between her legs in the final moments.

Rey turned to her side, pinched her eyes closed and tried to shut him out of her mind. Dr. Holdo called him Ben. Just that name should be enough to raise her alarms. And if that was not enough, there was the way he looked… He was not one for her to think about, especially not in a situation like this. It would end as bad as it had with all the others. She decided that she would have to be more careful. She deliberately imagined an anonymous giant hand stroking her arm as she fell asleep.


	2. The Chasm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Do you seriously want to hear about my ex-girlfriends right now?”

Next time Rey came to see Dr. Holdo, she found Ben in the waiting room, sitting on a white wooden chair he was clearly oversized and too black for.

“What are you doing here at this time?” She gestured at the clock on the wall.

“It’s my time in two minutes.”

“No, it’s _my_ time.”

“Look, even if there was some bug that made us book overlapping times, it’s only fair that you let me take this because last time you went over my time.”

“Over your time? Maybe a minute. And you had the nerve to dump all basic decency and just burst in! The least you can do is to let me take this time.”

At that moment, Holdo’s office door opened and she stepped out, looking pale and devastated.

“I’m sorry, both of you. Looks like there’s been a bug in my booking system that has allowed people to book overlapping appointments. The support is fixing it now. But unfortunately, I can't take either of you right now. I just heard that my son was in a bike crash. I need to go urgently to the hospital to see him. I’m terribly sorry, Rey and Ben. My booking system should be fixed in a matter of hours. Just book new appointments there and I’ll charge you half price. Sorry again. If coffee and cookies would make it up to you, please feel free to take from my kitchenette.”

She pointed at the door marked ‘staff only’, waved at them quickly and rushed outside. Rey and Ben looked at each other, and Rey hurried to speak before any further thoughts could cross her mind:

“For the record, I’m in a very unhealthy relationship pattern with men who look like you, and that’s exactly what I’m working on resolving with Dr. Holdo. So I’m definitely not going to have _coffee_ with you here.”

“Like I'd even _consider_ ”, Ben snorted back, and they both set out for the front door, squeezing awkwardly close to each other when trying to be the first one out.

They had just made it out of the door and were both side-eyeing each other to make sure that they would leave to opposite directions. Then it happened: the ground shook and the street in front of the building opened into a deep chasm. There was nowhere they could go.

Without a word, they returned inside and sat down in the opposite corners of the small waiting room. Both hunched over their phones in silence, but it did not take long for Rey’s battery to run low. She opened the side pocket of her purse, where she normally kept her charger. When her fingers hit the bottom of an empty pocket, she remembered how she had used it at work yesterday and left it on her desk.

She stuffed her phone into her purse and scanned the room for any possible other source of distraction. But Holdo’s style was minimalistic. There were no messy piles of waiting room magazines. So she leaned back and fiddled with her thumb nail for a while, until her stomach made an impatient rumble.

She stood up and walked to the ‘staff only’ door, trying to ignore how it took her within two metres’ distance from Ben’s corner. Behind the door, she found a tidy little kitchenette, a round table with a few chairs as well as a nap room with a diffuser spreading a faint scent of lavender in the air.

A neat metal package, standing next to the coffeemaker and marked ‘COFFEE’, contained, as obviously expected, ground coffee and a silvery measuring scoop. Rey charged the coffeemaker with one cup of water and a heaped scoop of grounds. She was just about to hit the power button when she remembered how she had only moments ago accused Ben for 'dumping all basic decency'. She was not going to fall _that_ low.

“I’m making coffee.” She raised her voice so that he would hear it to the waiting room. “Do you want some?”

“Yes.” A brief silence followed. Then: “Please.”

Rey added another cup of water and another scoop of coffee grounds. And thinking again, one more scoop. If she could guess anything about him based on her experience of – well – people who resembled him a lot, he liked his coffee strong.

The cookie jar was already in the middle of the round table, and in the cupboards, Rey found pink-tinted beige ceramic cups with a sleek, handleless shape.

“Coffee is ready!” she shouted when the coffeemaker stopped its gurgling.

Rey divided the coffee into their cups and took a carton of almond milk from the fridge to spill a dose into hers. When Ben walked in, she tentatively held up the milk carton, but, as she had already guessed, he shook his head. They sat down around the table and reached in the cookie jar.

“So, what’s that pattern of yours like?” Ben asked.

“It’s confidential.”

Rey dipped her cookie into her coffee and used her tongue to mash the wet half against the roof of her mouth.

“What are you staring at?” She frowned at him.

“I’m not staring.”

“Yes, you are.”

“Then it’s just…”

“It’s just what?”

“Just the way you dip the cookie reminds me of someone, that’s all”, he explained.

“Of whom?”

“My ex, Rea, if you have to know. She would always refuse to use her teeth for eating cookies. She just soaked them in coffee enough to mash them down.”

Rey dipped the other half of her cookie in the cup, now exponentially more self-conscious about it.

“Rea, huh?” she said thoughtfully, almost to herself. “Were there any others?”

“Do you seriously want to hear about my ex-girlfriends right now?”

“Well, there’s nothing else to do, is there?”

“Then fine. First there was Freya. We went to the same high school and were part of the same group of friends. We used to compete all the time about grades and stupid stuff like who can eat more Sudden Death Hot Sauce. Then, at some point, it turned into a relationship. We moved to different cities for university, though, but tried to keep it up long-distance for a while.”

He took a sip of his pitch-black coffee and bit into his cookie. Rey waited in silence as he chewed and swallowed to get ready to continue.

“That ended when I met Reyanna at one of those freshman year parties. She was from a different major, but we both played rugby and she would usually train with the guys’ team, just so that she could beat my ass. We broke up when Reyanna made it to the national team.”

“National team?” Rey gasped. “Was she..? Did you date Reyanna Anderson?”

Rey did not really watch rugby and did not even know other national team members. But a couple of her colleagues were fans, and they would not stop teasing her about how she looked exactly like Reyanna Anderson.

“Yes. I was pretty heartbroken after that and spent quite a few years single. Then Rea showed up at my office. Her company had ordered a campaign from us and she was assigned to design it with me. The campaign failed because they had a shitty product and I kept telling that to her but she wouldn’t listen. But once we got the project out of the way, everything was better. We stuck together for more than a year. I already thought that was it. That this was my soulmate. I had already made a plan for proposing her, but then I just somehow shied away from it and we drifted apart. I didn’t really feel like dating anyone for a long while after it.”

He watched intently under his brows as Rey dipped another cookie into her coffee and sucked the wet half.

“Last year I met Regina. We started arguing online about some immigration and foreign aid policy stuff. But somehow it became really soothing over time, like we were the only piece in each other’s lives that we could really count on and talk to. And once we met offline, we almost immediately hit it off. It was too intense to last long, though. And this year there was Rachel. We used to go to the same coffee shop and again the same pattern started to play itself: we hated each other until we ended up together. I actually mentioned that to her when we broke up a couple of months ago. I was not sure if I had ever even loved her or if she had just been part of my pattern. She said that it could do me really good to see someone and recommended Dr. Holdo. That’s how I ended up here.”

“Do you have pictures?”

He raised his eyebrows, wondering if that was a joke, but since Rey remained serious, he took another bite of his cookie and started browsing his phone. After several swipes, he held out the phone to Rey.

“This is Rachel.”

Rey’s eyes widened as she stared at a picture of Ben smiling, with a woman under his arm who looked – just like herself. Her dark brown hair was longer and braided to the side in a way that was unusual to her, and she was in a flowy floral dress that did not exactly fit Rey’s taste, but all her features matched hers disturbingly well.

“Has Holdo said to you anything about – your pattern?”

“That’s confidential.”

Rey nodded and they finished the contents of the cookie jar in silence.


	3. The Only One Bed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Seriously, it's _you_ who needs to get laid."

Outside, night began to fall over the city. Rey and Ben went once more to the front door to have a look at the street. Still, the deep chasm opened right at their feet. There was no way to get out of the building.

“Looks like we have to sleep here, then”, Rey said. “I noticed she has a nap room.”

They went back to the kitchenette and entered the little side room. Rey let out a deep sigh as she took it in. Of course there was only one bed. Why would a therapist’s break room have two beds?

“Has this, eh, happened to you before?” Ben asked with a hint of shyness in his voice.

“Quite a few times, actually. And you?”

“Yes. And where does it usually lead to, in your case?”

“Sex.”

“Exactly. It always starts so good and ends so bad. I’m tired of going through the same pattern again.”

“Yeah, me too.”

“We have to outsmart our patterns, then.”

“Like how?”

“We decide to just sleep on our own sides, with our clothes on.”

“Sounds fine to me.”

The only one bed was far from king size, and it even had only one blanket. But it was large enough for them to lay down without touching and occupy enough personal space to get relatively comfortable. Rey was already pleased with their accomplishment and ready to fall asleep when she heard it. It was impossible to say if it came from somewhere in the room or just in her head, but she was certain she heard a female voice:

_Little did she know about how the night was about to change its course. Under the blanket, she could feel the warmth of Ben’s body right next to her, close enough to touch with just a minor movement of her hand. And in the air, her nose caught a trace of his musky scent. A gush of thick fluid wetted her panties._

And right as she heard the words, those exact things happened. A wave of arousal flushed over her, like it was determined to fight their decision to break their patterns and just sleep. Rey turned to lay on her back and shook her fist at the ceiling.

“What’s your problem?”

“What?” Ben rolled around on his right side so that he was looking at her.

“I wasn't talking to you”, she told him and turned back towards the ceiling. “Get out of my head.”

_Don’t be afraid, I feel it too. We both want him out of those clothes immediately, don’t we? I can assure you he’s already hard and just the size you’re used to. And you’ve been alone long enough to make you feel extra full when he enters deep inside you and…_

“Seriously, _you_ need to get laid", Rey interrupted. "If you’re that horny, don’t take it on me and make _me_ do it with a half-stranger. I don’t even have condoms with me and I doubt Dr. Holdo keeps a stash in her office.”

 _That’s a nice idea you have there… There might indeed be a stash in the office. But don’t worry. You look so cosy there that I won’t make you get up and check. This is exactly why I’ve kept you on the pill and made you get tested every year, even when you’ve been single_. _Just in preparation for this kind of situations._

When Rey cast a side-eyed look at Ben, the voice continued: _And he just got tested two months ago, after breaking up with Rachel. No hook-ups after that._

“You can’t possibly know that”, Rey said.

_Of course I do. I’m his author, just like I’m yours. I made the Earth shatter to get you two locked up here. Trust me, his sexual health is completely under my control, and he’s clean - and right there for you to enjoy. I made him exactly your type, didn’t I? Don’t you want to see what I can make him do with his tongue? I can already tell you, he’s a lot better than your lousy toy._

“I don’t want to discuss this while he’s listening.”

_That’s easily arranged. Ben fell into deep sleep, oblivious to Rey’s words._

As the voice spoke, Ben’s eyes closed, his body visibly relaxed and his breathing deepened and slowed down. Rey poked his shoulder with her finger but he did not react.

_So, tell me now, you want him at least a little, right? Or haven’t I yet described enough how his plush lips have parted in his sleep and how he…_

“You don’t have to describe. He’s right next to me for fuck’s sake. And you know perfectly well how wet you’ve just made me for him. But I’m going to ask you to please stop messing with my body. Didn’t you hear what we just talked with him? We both want to be free from our patterns. No more relationships that start with toe-curling there-was-only-one-bed sex and end in misery. Even if I'd hypothetically like him a little, can I please take this at my own pace?”

_Ok, fair enough. I’m sorry I tried to push you. Maybe you’re right and it’s me who needs to get laid._

Rey smiled a little and closed her eyes. But she could not fall asleep.

“Was it you who decided that they left me?” she asked in a quiet voice.

_Your parents?_

“Yes, and all the foster parents, too.” A tear fell down her cheek. Dr. Holdo had said that she had done nothing wrong, but it was still difficult to fully believe.

_I’m sorry that it happened to you, Rey. I didn’t write much of that, just referenced a little. That’s, kind of, what everyone perceives to be your background. That’s what the readers expect._

“Are you writing just to fit what ‘readers expect’? If you’re so all-powerful over my story, why don’t you make it go away?”

_I tried to reconcile at least a bit, didn’t I? I wrote that with Benjamin’s help you got a well-paying job so that you could afford therapy. I was thinking that could give you at least some clarity without changing your canonical backstory too much._

“Can’t you at least let me see them?”

_Well, let me see what I can do… Rey closed her eyes and took a deep breath. A memory that she had completely forgotten flashed back into her mind. In it, she ran to her parents' bedroom on a sunny Saturday morning and jumped on their bed between them. The stubble on her father’s chin tickled her cheek as he kissed it. And her mothers arms bathed her in warmth when she cuddled in them under the fluffy blanket._

_The memory was brief but enough to fill her heart with joy. And deep down, she knew that they had done their best. Even though she could not understand, there had been some reason why she had ended up in foster care, and that had nothing to do with anything being wrong with her. Even though she could perhaps never fully understand, she could forgive._

Listening to the voice evoked a vivid picture in her mind and she felt immediately sure that it had really happened. And the forgiveness that filled her made years of anxiety fall off her heart.

“Thank you.”

_No, I should thank you, Rey. You’re such an inspiration to me. When I have difficulties in my life, I think about you and how you’ve reconciled yours. You’re fierce and compassionate and radiant and soft and badass - everything that I aspire to be myself. I love you._

“Will you write for me a happy ending then?”

_Of course. Why would I want anything else for you?_

“Then why did you write that Ben died?”

_It wasn’t me. It was canon. Fanfiction authors like me have worked their asses off to change that for you. You see, no one else has died in your arms after that, right?_

“No, but…”

_But what?_

“What’s up with the ‘little did she know’, then? Like when we were with Benito in his family’s furniture store and on our favourite sofa, and I was so happy I could explode and right then, I heard a voice that said: ‘Little did she know how profoundly this sofa would change her life.’ And it for sure meant that he was going to die on it. Why was that if you all want him to live?”

_Well, I can’t know for certain, since I wasn’t the one who wrote about you and Benito. I wish I had, though. It sounds like a juicy prompt: heir of the family who rules the interior design scene of Milan. It would have Leia in a Gucci suit driving around in a Ferrari and all. How was Benito feeling about continuing his family’s business?_

“He wasn’t too excited about the idea.”

 _Even better!_ Rebellious _heir of the family who rules the interior design scene of Milan. I think he was always up for a better destiny than an early death on your sofa._

“Like what?”

_There are tons of other things that can be life-changing and involve a sofa. That voice could have been referring to all the amazing sex you’d have on it if you just hadn’t run away. Or maybe your first child would be born on it because you couldn’t make it to the hospital on time, but you and the baby would still be fine. Or maybe you’d just watch something so profound on TV that it would change your worldview. Or eventually, he might actually die on it but only after spending six decades full of happiness and love with you. You see, that’s what we want for you. A happily ever after. Will you stop running away from it?_

Rey nodded and glanced at the sleeping form of Ben.

“I want to try. Will you help me?”

 _Yes. Anything_. _Rey, you’re not alone._

“You already know what I’m going to say to that, right?”

_Yes. I’d really love to hear you say it, for myself._

“Neither are you.”

_Thank you._

* * *

When they stepped out of the front door into the morning breeze, a group of construction workers had gathered on the other side of the street with their machinery and started to fill the chasm with gravel. It would still take time before it would be full enough to walk over, though, so they returned inside. They found another cookie jar in the kitchenette cupboard, made another pot of coffee and spent the day talking.

They went through a lot more about their histories, the highs and lows and all the mistakes they had made. And by sunset, enough gravel had been poured into the chasm outside that it was safe to walk over it. They stood on the other side of the street and were about to head to opposite directions with unspoken reluctance.

Just when Ben was already lifting his hand to wave her goodbye, Rey felt a nudge of courage and grabbed his arm.

“Ben, I – I have a feeling that my dating life has all been a big mess, and I want to try again.”

“I see. That sounds - errr - great. With someone in particular?”

“With you.”

He took a surprised inbreath that melted into a heart-filled smile. Rey could never grow tired of watching hard-shelled men light up like this. She fished a business card from her purse and handed it to him.

“Are you free next Sunday?” she asked. “To go see a rugby match or something?”

“Yeah, I’d like that.” He accepted the card and passed her his own.

“But I don’t even know which team plays in this city”, she admitted.

“It’s the Happabores. They play almost every Sunday. I can find out the time and text you.”

“Thanks.”

They hugged and headed off their separate ways, both with a delicious flutter in their stomachs – not the burning intense and all-consuming kind, but a sweetly tentative tingle of anticipation.


	4. A New Try

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Sorry if I overwhelm you. I just ship you two so much._

The asphalt on the street in front of Holdo’s office building was still dark from being freshly made after last autumn’s Earth-shattering incident, when Rey walked over it on the first day of spring that was warm enough to keep her jacket open. She greeted Dr. Holdo with a beaming smile as she sat down in the armchair.

“Hello, Rey! How are you today?”

“I’m very very good. Actually, that’s exactly what I want to talk with you about.”

“Tell me more, then.”

“Well, I’ve still been seeing Ben. More and more, actually. And I find myself so happy with him, like I can't wait for the next time to see him.”

“Uh-huh. And?”

“It’s that fear again. I’m in love with him but I feel like running away and never hearing about him again. Because I can’t stop thinking that any of the kisses could be the last one. And every day I’m more and more certain that it’s just about to happen. I’d – I’d really want sex with him, but I’m sure it would just make me more attached so that it would be even more devastating to be left alone in the end.”

Dr. Holdo nodded in understanding.

“Love is always a risk. It's totally true that we never know how much time we have with the ones we love. It takes great courage to still open our hearts to it, especially in your case, since you’ve been deeply hurt before. But having that courage opens the possibility for deep happiness. Now you just need to find yours.”

“How do I do that? How do I do anything with my life when I’m not even in control but just a character in someone else’s sexual fantasy?”

“Rey, remember what we talked about reframing through self-reverence.”

“I’m someone’s heroine.” As before, she felt a little better and lighter when she said it aloud in those words. “But still, I’m not really alive. Someone is just writing about me. How do I find any courage in this kind of situation?”

“Have you still been hearing that voice in your head?”

“No. Not after we spent that night here when the – incident happened.” Rey gestured towards the street outside.

“And what did it say then?”

“Well, it tried to push me to have sex with him. Just like the other voices. But then I told it to stop and it apologized and…”

“And what?”

“It said it would help me.”

“Then would you like to ask for help now?”

“But how would I do it? Last time I only responded when I heard it. I have no idea how to make it respond to me.”

“How about you try something simple. Like close your eyes and take a few deep breaths.”

Rey obeyed.

“And then, try to call it by repeating some gentle, inviting words. Like ‘be with me’”, Holdo suggested.

“Be with me. Be with me. Be with me. Be with me”, Rey repeated in a calm voice. And after a few repetitions, she heard it inside her head:

_I’m always with you._

“Thank you. Eh - will you help me now?”

_Of course, just like I promised. What do you need?_

“I think I’m in love with Ben.”

_YAYYYYY!!! Sorry if I overwhelm you. I just ship you two so much. Any loving thoughts you have about him just make me see stars._

Rey had to laugh at the innocent excitement in the voice.

“It’s your lucky day then. Because I can’t stop thinking about him. His kisses are just the sweetest imaginable and I love every moment with him and all the ways he looks at me and everything about him, even every fight. And I can’t wait to have sex with him. Thanks for making him exactly how I like.”

_My pleasure._

“But that’s where I need help. You see, I’m so happy that I’m afraid it will end. I need more courage to get through that and open up despite the risk.”

 _Are you asking_ me _for courage?_

“Well, you’re my author. Whom else would I ask?”

_But you’re the most courageous character I know. You’re my heroine. I don’t know what I could possibly give you. I’m nothing._

“Not to me. You can make the Earth shatter if you think it would make me happy, remember? If anyone can heal me from how badly I got hurt before, it’s you.”

 _Hmmm, let me see what I can do…_ _Rey leaned back in the armchair and relaxed. A vision flashed in her mind. Or was it a memory? She was walking with Ben towards home from the grocery store. Each of them had a grocery bag and she was walking on the elevated brink by the sidewalk so that she was on sufficiently high ground to conveniently hold Ben’s free hand with hers._

_It felt like a memory because they had just done this last week. But it could not be, because they were older, past middle age, in it. She was walking the brink more slowly, more focused on maintaining her balance than she had done last week, but Ben was holding her hand with equally warm and firm grip and kept eyeing at her, ready to catch her if she would fall._

_It had to be a vision, but it was so solid and clear that Rey’s whole being was suddenly certain that it was really going to happen. This was how old they would grow together, and still it was not the end. Rey smiled and opened her eyes._

“Thank you. I – Maybe I can believe it”, she said, but the voice did not respond anymore. Instead, Dr. Holdo laid an assuring hand on her forearm.

“Well done, Rey.”

* * *

The following Sunday, Rey woke up in Ben’s apartment. She was alone in his bed, but the sheets smelled luxuriously like him, and from the next room, she heard the dripping of coffee, sizzling of pancake batter and occasional barefooted steps.

She stretched and let out a content sigh when memories from last night returned to her. Her author had not disappointed her with what she could make Ben do to her. In fact, it had been even beyond what she had imagined. Probably, the author had got off from it, too, judging from how the usually carefully structured sentences in Rey’s head had started to falter.

But she did not really mind. An author who was this generous to her deserved something for herself, too. And she could well understand the fascination with which her voice had got carried away with describing Ben's naked body, its raw strength and weight on Rey, the touch of his skin and how it got gradually covered in more and more sweat.

She had not minded that either, as it had constantly made her pay attention to new details and sensations. Besides, when she lay in Ben’s arms afterwards, the voice – a little out of breath – had apologized for possibly interfering too much and said that she was just about to finish the fic and promised to leave them to enjoy each other in private after that.

The sounds in the other room quieted down, apart from approaching footsteps. In a moment, Ben’s head appeared in the doorway.

“Breakfast is ready.”

Rey stretched her side and pretended to be unable to rise. That made him smirk and crawl over her so that his body took over her whole world. The tips of his hair brushed the skin of her brows and blocked her from seeing anything but the depths of his eyes. He dropped lower, letting his weight fall on her and kissed her, taking his time with every corner of her mouth. Then he continued his way along her jaw, making her shiver as his lips approached her ear.

“I said breakfast is ready.”

With a quick move, he was up on all fours, wrapped a screaming Rey in the blanket, hopped off the bed and lifted her in his arms. He carried her to the next room where he sat her down by the table loaded with pancakes and a multitude of toppings, still with the blanket around her. Rey laughed and pulled his head down for another kiss. And then, inside her head, she heard the voice again:

_Little did she know how much better this was still about to get over the upcoming decades._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks a lot for reading and commenting! If there's any of their previous relationships you'd like to read a full fic about, let me know in the comments and there's a chance it might happen :)


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